Transformation Diary: Healing unworthiness is part of the heroine’s journey ☥

Welcome to my Transformation diary! I’ve been in metamorphosis since 2020 (caterpillar, chrysalis, butterfly) and wanted to share my awakening and ascension journey. 

Descent into our unconscious is an initiation into feminine power, wisdom and abundance. Exploring and enquiring about our unworthiness is one such initiation.

Unworthiness can be an ugly word or terrifying emotion to explore but once we do enter the dark labyrinth that holds ideas, concepts and complexes about our unworthiness, we become more aware of how we arrived here. Is it still true? Are we carrying baggage from our childhood? Is there an emptiness inside we can’t seem to fill? Where does the emptiness come from? Do we try to fill this void with people, food, sex, money, drugs? Do we chase things and people?

 

Entering the Void

“Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.”

– Jim Morrison

 This void is the space we need to explore. We need to explore both its beauty and cruelty because without knowing it, we will be crushed by its powerful gravity. But if we choose to visit the void, trust its vastness and silence. Meet our fragility there, we may be able to look in the mirror of our unworthiness and find untruths that no longer serve us. We may find truth that we can carry back with us into the light. And for that journey, we need courage to guide us into the dark.

As the Divine Feminine energy and consciousness rebirths on Mother Gaia and we reclaim the birthright of abundance we still have to face and clear our patriarchal beliefs of unworthiness based in lack and scarcity.

We all have dark, unconscious thoughts and beliefs rooted in our subconscious mind. Some of these beliefs we formed in childhood and others we’ve inherited from our family and ancestral belief systems. 

Last Friday, we had a lunar eclipse in Taurus and the day before Venus went into shadow as it retrogrades Capricorn. In February of 2022, the USA will experience its Pluto Return, which will be a rebirth of its values and direction.

I believe the planets are preparing us for some deep healing.

My recent initiation into the Sisterhood of the Rose of the Isis / Magdalene / Ra lineage is teaching me new layers of healing and embracing Venusian consciousness. Venus is the planet of love and harmony. Her initiations and teachings help us realize our value, self-worth and confidence as divine feminine leaders of New Earth.

She heals our issues of poverty-consciousness and neediness.

We often think that poverty is a financial condition we suffer from. It’s a mindset, a consciousness based on lack and scarcity that needs clearing and healing. “How will I pay for this?” “I wish I could attract money like other people.” “I’m just not good with money.” “I’m always hiding in the shadows” “Why am I so worthless?” “Why doesn’t anyone appreciate me?”

These are all examples of poverty consciousness. Anyone can get stuck in poverty consciousness because it’s not actually about money. It’s really about worthiness.

There is one force on the planet that can eradicate poverty consciousness and I believe that is Love. The love you feel from your Creator or God/Goddess or Universe. The belief that no matter the condition, that we live in a loving, abundant universe that is always guiding and conspiring to help us grow and expand.

Aligning to this love of the Universe and believing you are valuable and worthy of your bliss creates a different kind of consciousness and energetic experience for you.

 

Aligning to Love’s life-giving flow

Know your worth and value. Stop giving yourself away to experiences that make you feel empty and instead invest in your soul. Invest in deeply fulfilling experiences that resonate with your soul’s calling. Explore your gifts and talents. Invest in your spiritual path.

• Spend time in Nature and explore her cycles of abundance
• See how she continually creates and gives
• Explore and express your authentic gifts
• Value your time and space
• Create sacred space to meditate and be with yourself
• Identify ways you are abandoning your gifts, path, time and energy
• Redirect your energy fulfilling actives and people
• Replenish yourself and practice
• Learn to receive and fill your cup
• Learn to receive guidance through mediation and stillness
• Learn to receive inspiration through art
• Volunteer in your community
• Love others as yourself

Learning how to replenish yourself, not give away time and energy and feeling that you are a creator connected to a higher power of consciousness will all help you shift out of a state of unworthiness.

We heal in layers and you may find in your devotional practice, you are feeling another, deeper layer of unworthiness. It’s an opportunity for you to enter into silence, travel to that cave of unworthiness and birth a new truth.

 

Ending old stories of abandonment and fear

Now is the time to end old stories of abandonment and connect to you inner Self. Your inner Self is a part of this abundant universe and is always flowing to you. You are in the flow of life. The only time you are cut off from life is when you believe you are cut off and this is what stops you from receiving that flow.

During this time of exploring our Underworld of unworthiness, you may uncover old stories that don’t define you any longer. The cure for the pain is within the pain (abandonment) so I explored my inner darkness.

I uncovered my old stories of abandonment inner child programming. I found that my inner child was holding on the pain and memory of multiple abandonment experiences and longing for the opposite of those experiences. That duality of opposites was lodged into my subconscious system, wanting to break free.

The opposite polarities were literally fighting with one another.

Abandonment	Adoption
Neglect	Caretake
Ignore	Enable
Forget	Remember
Invalidate	Validate
Desert	Support
Disconnect	Connect
Vampire	Angel
Narcissistic	Empath
Suck the light	Give the light
Addict	Drug

I was abandoning myself by allowing my deepest fear to take over me. My deepest fear being I am worthless and that my true wild nature will never be honored in a patriarchal system, my gifts are worthless.

I will not be chosen, patriarchal women will be chosen. The fear became a Root belief: I am worthless. I have no value I don’t deserve the love. My love interests can fall in love with someone else and not choose me, not value me

Be me. Align with Source who loves you and values you unconditionally. Align with the abundance and love of Source, the Divine Mother Consciousness. Detach from patriarchal beliefs

The medicine for the pain was loving my inner child. My inner child needs my unconditional love. The key is to care for her soul gifts, enable her soul gifts, remember her soul gifts, validate her soul gifts, support her soul gifts and creations and connect to her soul gifts and creativity.

I can’t expect anyone outside of me to caretake me.

I can express my gifts on my own. I have been learning new dance skills and will be ready to teach and dance on YouTube soon!

My inner child needs to know she is healed and free. I am her mother and father and I will support her dreams. She is fully supported to commit to her path and she will not be abandoned. 

New Belief: My TRUE PATH will love and support me.

I don’t need a romantic partner/man to help me live my dreams (3D). I can rely on my Higher Self to carry me to my TRUE PATH (5D). Joyful, energetic, healthy, respectful connections.

Desire to be abandoned	Fear of being abandoned
I can handle the feeling	Feeling alone and deserted
I’m used to it by now	I’m unloveable
Auto pilot mode	No one desires me
I can continue to not be vulnerable	Feeling crushed
I can have my defenses	Feeling like a helpless child with no control or protection
Don’t need to be soft
Can stay independent and armored
Protected from being vulnerable and hurt
Can blame someone else. Play victim.
Denial that i’m never abandoned but i choose lovers not relationships where i invest and get hurt

 

Desire to be caretaken	Fear of being caretaken
Nice to lean on someone	They will want to control me
Feel protected	Fear of being smothered
Feel like I matter	Fear of co-dependent relationship
Feel special	Fear being too close and enmeshed
Feel “fathered”	Fear they will be needy and child like
Feel cherished	Always have to be in a power struggle
Held, held up, “hold me up”	They will want something to
I think this is how i can receive love	Unequal partnership, someone always has to be the victim
They are responsible for me like a parent
Feel needed
Fit into society’s model.

Just because your love interest doesn’t caretake/ do these things doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be cherished. It means your Higher Self is nudging you to not be dependent/addicted to them for these needs and rely on your Higher Self/Divine to take care of you.

Everything is based on need and addiction. Parental need instead of self-sufficiency and relying on inner resources and Source.

I’m no longer a child searching for a partner to fill a parental need.

I’m a child of Spirit being nourished by Divine Light and Spiritual Sustenance.

I can let go of that previous identity/  addiction and the ego structures that hold it up through the Divine Grace of Spirit.

I surrender my Karmic Patterns of addiction and victimhood.

I surrender my free will to Divine Will. I merge with Divine Will.

 

 

Desire to abandon	Fear to abandon
Feel powerful, not needy	Not based on love
Don’t feel helpless	Not healthy
Can dominate	Abusive
Feel in control, they will comply	Might really lose the person for good
Show them I don’t care	Heart gets closed every time
Don’t need them

 

Desire to caretake	Fear to caretake
Feel needed	Stuck
Feel superior	Stuck with someone who can’t take care of themselves
Used to giving, not receiving	Sickness
	The person will never grow up
	Parent/ child relationship
	Someone will outgrow the dynamic
	Feel drained and tired all the time
	Attract vampiric people
	They will take and take, suck and suck
	Won’t get to follow my dreams

The key is you ☥ – Healing the relationship with yourself and your inner being. ☥

Whatever is going to help you feel free. Whatever I need to feel I can be the best version of myself. The key to the inner work is achieving my wholeness. My true self (Higher self) attracts unlimited abundance and resources to me.

100% inner focus on Higher self

• Surrender and allow
• Connect to Higher Self
• Develop relationship with Higher Self
• Align to Higher Self

Spiritual practice

• Connect to guides
• Daily meditation/ yoga

Healing Inner Self

• Healing lower self/ lower self-esteem
• Inner completion/ wholeness/ path of true self – move forward with this energy!!!
• Rest 

Soul’s Mission

• Creative/ spiritual abilities
• Helping Earth Ascend Higher (writing books, youtube, pleiadian lightwork, dance, gifts of Ma’at)

Healing still to be done

• Forgiveness (myself, all, the past)
• Let go of control (fear) and fully surrender to Spirit
• Healing defensiveness, walls, escape
• Inner acceptance
• Love the wounds of my inner sleeves (inner child, rebel, teenager)
• Work through triggers
• Value myself 
• Healing self-criticism (love that voice)
• Release lack beliefs
• Release limited thought patterns
• Develop faith and trust
• 100% energetic focus on myself
• Believe in my mission
• Freedom from attachments/ external validation
• Detach – DO NOT focus on him (external)
• Let go of struggle, doubt. How will this come together?
• Shift from stress, resentment, doubt, questioning the dynamic. Be simple. Don’t think.

 

Heal, align. Heal, align. Heal, align. Heal, align.

PURGE. SHIFT. 

Heal, align. Heal, align.

Move forward!

All this work is the unconditional self-love I’ve been looking for. When I fully show up for my emotional needs with acceptance, I am no longer abandoning myself or my path.

 

Choosing love over fear

During 2020, it was revealed to me that my true path, my destiny, was to be an artist, healer and Oracle and continue the ancestral lineage of my priestess path. I had veered away from that by taking lucrative corporate jobs, despite my creativity bursting at the from my soul, in order to make ends meet and have money, but I was unfulfilled. 

I had friends I knew who were in the art community, who were deeply passionate about it and were able to be successful. But I was taught from a young age how pursuing the arts was not going to provide material wealth, rewards and comforts.

This fear that had been passed down onto me by ancestral energy patterns and you I was choosing to live out that same cycle. By not committing to loving myself and heeding my soul’s calling.

By the Law of Attraction, I continued to draw unfulfillment to myself in my career, and in my life, because I chose fear over love. I allowed myself to be bound by the 3D Templates/Material World/Ancestral Energy Patterns and not live out my true purpose.

“I allowed other people to veer me off course and that was the pain that remained in my body, that was the pattern that I had to unweave. The pattern of abandoning my soul path out of fear of not being supported.”

The medicine was truly committing to my path, loving myself and heeding my soul’s calling. That was the ultimate act of reclaiming power.

I continue trusting the unknown on this new adventure. I continue living in the energy of freedom, flow, truth, the authentic and playful joy.

I also realize now lessons return in spirals, not to haunt me but to help expand me even further on my path as I cannot move on from lessons and energetic cycles, until I have come “full circle” in my soul lessons. So I lay down my doubt, I surrender and trust.

 

The honoring path

The sacred practice of honoring and valuing your inner Self, choosing love over fear and walking in the direction of your soul’s calling are choices that keep you in the Divine Flow. It increases your receptivity to abundance and heals your soul. It is a daily practice though and I find myself making choices that nourish my soul every day.

Every time I believe in an illusion where I’m not a part of this greater flow of love, I drop into separation. I’m making a choice to participate in a negative cycle where we I put negativity into a connection or experience that’s outside of myself to deliver joy. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes there’s no reciprocity. It’s reminder I’m out of the flow and to connect back to Source energy because I have no control over another person’s intention or action.

So, I make the honoring choice, again and again. I choose my path, I choose to stay committed to it faithfully, I choose to surrender ego to Source, I choose to focus on unbridled joy and not depend on another’s attention and approval and to keep moving ahead with my spiritual fire and creativity.

Choices. It all comes down to choices. I can choose to throw out any thought, person, or experience that does not align with my soul gifts and soul path, with who I am, how far I’ve come, and where I am going. I am becoming more aware of the love, blessings, and abundance that surrounds me. I’m coming out of the ancient memories bitter snow of the patriarchal dark ages, and toward the warmth of New Earth. I remember who I am. I am worthy of each and every blessing I have, and all those that are still on the way. 

And finally, I don’t wait to turn on the magick. It surrounds me on this journey and will awaken for you too if you are brave enough to touch the heat of your creative fire.