A Tigress In The Temple

Being true to yourself is old magic. It’s a key to self-realization, to being all you can be and to living an abundant, joyful, harmonious and rewarding life. Being true to yourself is a way of living where you stay connected with the beauty of your innermost Self, listen to Its guidance, follow your heart, and speak and take actions that express your truth, ideals and values. One of the greatest challenges in being true to yourself is knowing what choices best honor you and reflect your deepest truth, your sacred beauty. Being true to yourself requires self-awareness, where you are in touch with your dreams and vulnerability. It means knowing what empowers you and what does not. Self-awareness comes from being in contact with the divine within you.

To be true to who you are, to know how to express your deepest truth, requires awakening to your true identity as a soul that is greater than your mind, emotions and body. This is how the spirit of Ibiza awakened me. Through the Goddess. And through dance. Three years ago I traveled to the island of Ibiza, Spain. My intention was to live there, retreat and rejuvenate during my divorce. My healing journey in Ibiza happened when I decided to unleash my wild sacred self. To untame the tamed woman I had become. And to release the tigress within, the priestess, dancer, the wild woman who ran with wolves, who danced in ancient temples amongst tigers and forests. This was a woman who was buried deep inside of me. And this was a woman I needed to uncover once again, if I was going to live from my true authentic self.

I arrived in Ibiza on a warm spring day in March. The breeze was playful. The island was green with rain and I could feel her thawing, opening, blossoming as if I was one with her heart, her round hills and electric skies. My first week I was introduced to the island’s longest living resident dancer, Zorah LeDuc. She was a beautiful, sensual belly dancer and lover of gypsy music. She was a gateway. She awakened me to dance again. In the first class, I felt the awkwardness of my body while watching young, beautiful, supple belly dancers shimmying and sashaying through the room. I was terrified of the feeling bubbling up inside of me. There was an old voice shaming me, “who do you think you are?” Shame, self-disgust, fear, judgment. Why had I stopped dancing? Why wasn’t I slim, healthy and radiant like these women? How had I allowed myself to become fat? I cried when I got home and promised myself I would dance again. My wish came true. As I trained, ran, got in shape and practiced dance, I received a message from a Dutch woman who had met me in a restaurant in San Josep. I forgot we had exchanged numbers to discuss future events. She asked me if I would dance at her restaurant opening. I said, “Yes, yes, of course I would!” I thought I was ready. The day of the performance, there were not so many people at the restaurant. I was crippled with fear. I hadn’t choreographed anything. I was just going to move with the music. But my body could not move. My heart was frozen. Thankfully, the music system didn’t work either and so I could not dance that day. My friends who had come to support me all consoled me and told me, “Its okay, you’ll dance another time.”

That night I had a dream. I dreamt I was dancing inside a red temple. There was a blazing fire in the middle and I was dancing around the fire, waving my arms in ecstasy, swaying my hips in sacred circles and offering my heart as a prayer to the sky. A tiger came to dance beside me. She whispered something in my ear and afterwards I was able to dance with great force and devotion. My hair fell along my back like a river of dusk and in the red ray of light my spine opened to fire. I felt part of me hiding in the cocoon of my skin, until my heart began beating, drumming began. I heard ancient chanting, sounds floating on red steps. The sounds opened me. Orange flames rose from my heart as I danced in spirals, red hibiscus in my mouth. A flame whispered inside of me. Even the heat had music. I broke open. I broke loose like a snake uncoiling across hills into a fierce, old woman with round eyes and crimson plumes flying in all directions. The tiger symbolizes devotion and this word danced in my mind while I had the vision of a beautiful sun dancer dancing with the element of fire. I felt I wanted people to see my unique, individual expression in all its forms, and in all the ways I could dance. I felt my heart desiring and longing to express the fullness of my talents –- a full range of grace, drama, fire, discipline, devotion, softness, technique and skill. And I wanted to enjoy the journey through this process. Growing through the gift of sacred beauty and sacred dance and remaining in humility to the Goddess who bestowed her gift to me.

That night, I vowed to honor the truth flowing inside of me. Opportunity after opportunity flowed to me after I made that commitment to myself. Nature lives commitment. One month later, I returned to the restaurant in San Josep and danced my heart out in three choreographed performances and spontaneous ecstatic dances. Then I continued to dance at weddings, healing festivals, lead workshops, and opened concerts for famous musicians like Prem Joshua and the Sunny Singh Bollywood Dance Academy. I also created a dance movement called Sacred Dance, Shakti Flow and Dance of the Kama Sutra. I danced for three years in Ibiza and in Greece.

Layer by layer, I unfolded. I followed my inner child, my little girl who was full of talents and gifts to share with the world. As she revealed her pain I listened and held her in her pain. I listened to her stories of shame, abuse, humiliation and I held her so she felt protected, loved and cherished. That it was safe to be vulnerable and express her gifts again. I’m no longer frozen dancing. I’m whirling in the joy and existence of my body.

This feminine power that flows deep from within me. It was the courage of a new beginning that set me free. The voice of courage was wiser and deeper than the old ancient voice of shame. And she roared. She said, not now, not ever again. The fire of that inner courage unfroze me and awakened me. Now I empower myself and tap into inner power. Now I allow my inner power, grace and beauty to shine. Now I listen to my intuition and inner guidance. I flow moment to moment. I believe in my heart’s deepest desires and dreams. I follow sweet delicious feelings inside my fountain of joy. I open to the language of my body. I open to pleasure, sensuality and delight. In Ibiza, I unleashed every wild, waking moment inside of me. I set my inner soul free. I danced on cliffs, sang with stars, swam nude in the midnight ocean with the lunar light floating upon me. I did everything my wild soul wanted. And I drank in Ibiza. I drank her in.

I continue this journey with a woman who is wide awake, alive and open to all the strength that lives inside of her. This was the gift of the journey. To reclaim truth and a divine vision of myself. To not believe any longer the stories of a broken, damaged, less than woman.

Now when that voice asks me “who you do think you are?” I am vulnerable to it. I do not hide from it or let it control me. I open up and meet it, shake loose my hips and I reply, “I am a Goddess, dancing my truth. Join me.”